


bright lights, dark room

by TwoMenAndAGuava (drakkynfyre47)



Series: in which I use john sheppard to cope [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Asexual Character, Background Lorne/Zelenka, Disordered Eating, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Episode Related, Episode: s03e03 Irresistible, Gen, John is ace and Rodney is trans but neither gender nor sexuality play a big role here, John is just kind of in really bad emotional shape, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Sentient Atlantis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:11:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7797769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drakkynfyre47/pseuds/TwoMenAndAGuava
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>for the prompt "ever wonder if the world would be better off without you?"<br/>a tag to the S3 episode "Irresistible". assumes an established Sheppard/McKay relationship.<br/>Gen tag is because it's not focused on relationships.</p>
<p>Rodney abuses the power Lucius' drug gives him over John, with unintended consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	bright lights, dark room

**Author's Note:**

> This is an extremely personal story for me. Sharing it is part of how I'm recovering from my own abuse. I wrote it partially to cope with how I was emotionally manipulated by a former friend, and partially to rectify the horrible implications of the episode that were played for laughs.
> 
> If you want to talk shit about the episode, want to know more about why I wrote this, or just want to chat, feel free to message me on tumblr (sergeitorrijos.tumblr.com) or leave a comment.

“John, why don’t you sit down for a while,” Rodney says, and John obediently settles at Rodney’s feet. He could definitely get used to this, having Sheppard do whatever he was told without question.

“Just how far does this obedience go?” Lorne wonders out loud. “Is it gonna wear off soon, Doc? Because this is creepy and very very wrong.”

Zelenka bumps Lorne’s shoulder reassuringly. “It will wear off,” he says, and then, with an edge to his voice, “won’t it, Rodney.”

“Of course it will,” Rodney says, irritated. “I just want to do some more experiments.”

“And then you will give him the antidote,” Zelenka says firmly. He holds up a hand to forestall Rodney’s protests. “You _will_ ,” Zelenka repeats, and this is something Zelenka will fight him over, legitimately fight him and maybe tear the science department in two if one of them doesn’t back down. These things that Zelenka will fight him over are rare, and Rodney hates running into them.

“Yes, then I will give him the antidote,” Rodney says. “Now. John, come with me.”

John follows him, _like a dog_ , Rodney thinks, and _I could make him do whatever I wanted_. He pushes the thoughts down, focusing on the science. When they get to Rodney’s quarters, the door locks with a satisfying click.

“Ah, John,” Rodney says, “can I ask you some questions?”

“Of course,” John says. “Anything, Rodney.”

_Anything_ , Rodney thinks gleefully before he remembers that he is not here for sex but for science. “So how does the drug feel, how do you feel when I tell you you should do something?”

“I just want to make you happy,” John says earnestly, staring up into Rodney's eyes. "Do you want to tie me up and fuck me?"

Rodney swallows hard. There's nothing he'd like more, nothing that he wouldn't give to have Sheppard offer that. "Are you sure?" he asks instead, wondering if the drug is merely loosening John's tongue or if it's something deeper.

"Yeah, Rodney," John says, low and husky, and his mouth is hot and wet against Rodney's. "That is what you want, right? Me, tied up in your bed, naked and helpless and spread for you like your personal sex toy, just like the slut I am?"

"Yes," Rodney says, breathing ragged. "I want that."

"Then take it," and John is suddenly naked and proffering his wrists to be bound.

There's a niggling doubt in the back of Rodney's mind. _This isn't right_ , he thinks. He can hear Lorne in the lab, _This is creepy and very very wrong_.

But this is also _John_ , who he trusts with his life and who trusts him right back. John, who Rodney has loved and cared for even before they started fucking. John wouldn't lie to him about something like this. He pushes the thoughts away, and sets to work on Sheppard's bindings.

John's wrists are bound, Rodney's kinky bondage equipment finally getting some use. He's collared, cuffed, and looks thoroughly fuckable. Rodney slides a hand into his own pants, providing some much-needed friction against his clit.

"C'mon, McKay. Fuck me already," John says, still in that rich, sexy voice. "Take me. I know you want to."

"Are you sure?" Rodney asks once more.

"Fuck, yes," John says immediately. "Just do it. Want you in me, Rodney. Tell me how you're gonna punish me."

That sealed it. John was going to get fucked tonight, and hopefully they could continue this after the drug wore off. Rodney slicks his strapon, pushes fingers into Sheppard, and works him open.

This wasn't the first time they'd fucked, of course. It was just that John had never asked to be tied or bound in any way before. Rodney savors the sight, wishing he had a camera.

-

Things went fine until Rodney came, reached down for Sheppard's cock, and suddenly found that John was screaming and twisting, trying to get free.

"Shh, shh. It's okay, John, it's okay, you're safe. It's just me, only me. I'm not gonna hurt you, alright?" He rubs Sheppard's back, the all-too-familiar routine of talking him down from a flashback giving him wonderful ideas for aftercare for their new adventures in bed.

"I'm sorry," John says, "I'm sorry. I should have been better, should've been good for you."

"It was good," Rodney assures him. "It was very good. You were perfect. I'm not angry."

"'m sorry," John says again. "I'm sorry."

An idea strikes Rodney then, hearing Lorne's question, _how far does this obedience thing go?_ , and now he can find out.

"John," he says, thoughtfully, "do you ever wonder if the world would be better off without you?"

John goes still in the restraints and says nothing.

"I mean," Rodney continues, "you've killed people. You've betrayed people. You've disobeyed orders. You woke the Wraith, for God's sake. Don't you feel responsible for that?"

John is shaking, absolutely silent, and Rodney wonders if he's gone too far. "I'm gonna let you go, okay? I'll come check on you in your quarters in an hour."

John is out the door before Rodney even realises it, practically sprinting away. Overall, it's been a successful experiment. He's gotten some really hot sex, gotten Sheppard to do anything for him, and checked on the extent of the drug's obedience effects.

He settles down to wait. 

-

John goes back to his quarters, methodically finding and cataloging everything he can use to injure himself. Rodney thinks I deserve to die, is the mantra in his head, playing over and over. I deserve to die.

"Oh, God," he says, and feels the effects starting to wear off. “Oh, God.” He barely makes it to the bathroom before he’s throwing up, coughing and desperately trying to make himself feel clean again. 

He hasn’t had a PTSD episode this bad since they’ve been in the Pegasus galaxy, and he was kind of hoping that it’d have just gone away. _No such luck,_ he thinks. _No such luck,_ and he’s curled on the floor, detached from his body and not entirely sure what’s happening.

_Fucking slut. You’re nothing. McKay’s right. You deserve to die, you filthy whore. All you’re good for is getting good people killed. You can’t even be McKay’s fucktoy right. Just kill yourself already, save a lot of other people that way. ___

__John covers his ears, trying to drown out the voice in his head. He knows, on some level, that he’s in a very dangerous state of mind, that his brain is out of control, but he doesn’t really care any more. _Rodney thinks I deserve to die.__ _

__It could have been minutes, hours, or days - probably not days, but it had happened before - until John calms himself down to process anything here and now more than oh god it hurts._ _

__He lies still, forcing himself to breathe, you can’t punish yourself if you can’t breathe, and slowly comes back to his body. He can feel himself still dissociating, and he wonders if it’s even worth trying to stop. Rodney’s going to be here soon, and he has to be put-together enough to make everything seem normal._ _

__As if on cue, his door buzzes. “John?” Rodney calls through. “Are you okay?”_ _

__John splashes water on his face, trying desperately to pull himself together. “Yeah, McKay, I’m fine. Just about to take a shower.” Surprisingly, his voice doesn’t shake, and he sounds infinitely more composed than he feels._ _

__“Let me in?” Rodney asks, and John feels the last of the compulsion fade away as he jerks his traitorous hand away from the door._ _

__“McKay, I don’t have clothes on,” he lies smoothly. “Give me a few minutes to shower and get dressed, okay?”_ _

__There’s a long pause, but finally Rodney says, “Yeah, okay.” John can hear his footsteps trail away down the corridor, and he lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding._ _

__John strips down to boxers and socks, then places the tip of his knife over the old familiar scars on his hips. The blade is razor sharp, courtesy of Ronon’s almost obsessive knife sharpening, and blood beads on the knife where he’s pricked himself. Slowly, he draws the blade across his hipbone, tracing the scars that had finally begun to fade. He’s been actively suicidal for most of his adult life, and coming to Atlantis has been the first place he’s really felt loved and accepted._ _

__With every cut he makes, the pain grounds him. He stops feeling like he’s floating halfway through his left side, and by the time he gets to his right he’s all the way back from wherever he dissociates to. All he can think about is what Rodney said to him, ever wonder if the world would be better off without you?, better off without you?, better off without you?, and it fucking hurts more than he thought it would._ _

__They’ll all be better off without me, he thinks, and suddenly he feels the blood slick all over his hands and running down his legs and he feels even dirtier than before. God, I can’t even do this right, and then he’s on the floor of the bathroom, feeling Atlantis humming inside his head, trying to help calm him down yet again._ _

__Abruptly he remembers that he promised Rodney he’d be out soon, so he drags himself from the floor to the shower, not even bothering to remove the bloodstained boxers. Atlantis knows what he needs, even if it’s not what he wants, so the water is soft and warm and gentle all over his aching body. Blood washes down the drain, and John wonders vaguely how that one’s going to be explained._ _

__Atlantis directs him on how to put on clothes while he sets his brain on autopilot and tries to psych himself up to interact with Rodney again. It’s not like Rodney didn’t know about his trauma, about what had happened to him in Afghanistan or the abuse he’d survived in college. His sexuality wasn’t a big deal - he’d have sex with a partner if he cared about them enough to suck it up and get over his hangups, but that was just another boundary Rodney’d ignored in favor of sex._ _

__John looks at himself in the mirror, and tries a grin on for size. It looks more like a grimace on his unshaven face, but it’s going to have to be good enough. He does it again, and this one looks better._ _

__-_ _

__He does his best to hide it. Rodney can’t know how much what he did hurt, and John won’t hurt Rodney by forcing his friend (is Rodney still his friend? Was Rodney ever his friend?) to confront what he’s done. But it gets harder to hide the way he flinches when Rodney raises his voice, when Rodney reaches out to him, when Rodney so much as makes eye contact._ _

__It’s not like he can talk to anyone else about it either. They were all there, they all knew that Rodney had used the drug on him, and they hadn’t stopped Rodney. Of course, they didn’t know about the - the sex, and John wonders if it counts as rape if he was literally asking for it at the time, and he tries not to blame them. Still, it’s hard to deal with, and he pulls back from Teyla and Ronon and Elizabeth and Carson._ _

__He forces himself to stop shying away from Rodney’s touch. He’s just going to have to suck it up and deal with working with people he no longer trusts._ _

__It fucking hurts._ _

__-_ _

__

__Atlantis sings low in his mind, a constant buzz of relaxing sound to help him get through the day. It’s getting worse, his tolerance for being around Rodney dropping. John says little and eats less, withdrawing further and further into his own little world of pain and misery. He’s cutting regularly, now, wearing long sleeves and changing away from his team to hide the marks on his arms and hips._ _

__He won’t consider suicide. That would be admitting defeat, letting Rodney win, and he can’t allow that to happen. But the relief that self harm provides is wonderful and intoxicating and he wants to keep cutting and cutting and cutting until he bleeds out. Someday soon he won’t have the self control to stop himself, and on that day he’ll accept his own defeat and die._ _

__John doesn’t eat a lot to begin with; Carson’s been keeping a careful eye to make sure he doesn’t lose any more weight since the first time he had a physical. But now it’s different, now it’s a punishment for himself, for existing, and a punishment for Rodney, for betraying him and hurting him. Of course, Rodney being Rodney, he doesn’t notice anything about John’s eating habits changing, and it’s not like John wants to voluntarily say “hey McKay, guess how much I’m not eating?”_ _

__John sleeps in his own bed alone more often than not these days, since he’s too anxious and keyed up to stay with Rodney in the scientist’s room. Of course, Rodney does notice that John’s not there in the morning when he wakes up, which so far John has excused by saying he’s gone for a run. Rodney hasn’t called him on it yet, but when he does, John’s not sure what he’ll do. Cry, probably, and give up the whole game._ _

__-_ _

__Surprisingly, it’s Ronon who confronts him._ _

__Of course, John knows that Ronon’s not the insensitive, unaware thug that most people assume he is. Ronon is soft and gentle and caring, and also likes to threaten people with knives and blasters._ _

__“Sheppard!” Ronon calls after him one morning, as he leaves the mess hall with his plate untouched._ _

__John glances back over his shoulder. “Hey, buddy.”_ _

__Ronon settles into a long, easy stride that matches John’s, blatantly ignoring the way John sets his shoulders and gives off every vibe he can that says “leave me alone”. “So what’s going on between you and McKay?” Ronon asks casually._ _

__John tries to hide the flinch, but isn’t entirely successful. “Nothing. Everything’s fine.”_ _

__“Not the way I see it,” Ronon shoots back. “You’re avoiding him.”_ _

__“Look, Ronon, I forgave him for using Lucius’ plant, but he still drugged me and used the influence to make me do things for him,” John says shortly. “That’s gonna take a while to forget.”_ _

__Ronon frowns. “If you say so.”_ _

__“I do say so.” John makes a quick turnoff, calling to Atlantis for help. He can’t deal with Ronon right now, not while he’s unguarded and unprepared. He’s promised himself he wouldn’t lie to his team, and he won’t break that promise, won’t lose what little family he’s got._ _

__Not that it really matters now anyway. He knows how fucking worthless he is, that he never deserved a second of the happiness he had. Rodney’d done nothing but remind him that he was nothing, just as his father had said, just as Clark had said._ _

__Ronon doesn’t follow him down the corridor, and John breathes a sigh of relief._ _

__It’s not long before Teyla comes to see him. He’s thinking about making a break for his office when she knocks. “Come in,” he says reflexively, before wincing at his own idiocy._ _

__“John?” she asks softly. “Are you doing alright?”_ _

__“Yeah,” he says. “Things are fine. How’re you?”_ _

__“I am fine. But that is not why I am here. I have noticed how you have been acting strangely, and when Ronon told me of your reaction this morning, I thought I should come talk to you myself,” she informs him._ _

__“I’m fine,” he says again. “Nothing’s wrong, Teyla, I mean it.”_ _

__“It is difficult to believe that nothing has changed when you pull away when Ronon hugs you, or when I touch your arm, or when Rodney leans against you,” she says reproachfully. “We are here for you, John. We care about you and we do not wish you to feel alone.”_ _

__He smiles, the first genuine smile in weeks. “Thanks, Teyla. I know you, uh, you care. But I’m good, really, I am.”_ _

__She holds his gaze for a long moment, then nods once, and walks away._ _

__Part of him wants to call out to her, to tell her what Rodney did. The other part beats that impulse down, saying, you’ve never been that weak before, you can’t let her see, you can’t let any of them see, not any more._ _

__When she’s gone, he curls up on his bed and rocks back and forth until he feels steady enough to cut again._ _

__-_ _

__John isolates himself further and further, ignoring the scheduled team nights. He doesn’t neglect his work; in fact his duties are the only thing he does besides actively avoid Rodney. He hates that he’s being so weak, that he can’t fucking deal with this well enough to suck it up and get through it. This wasn’t his first time being drugged into sex, wasn’t the first time someone had treated him like shit after gaining his trust. Maybe he’s just gotten soft, having two years of happiness and love. Maybe this was going to happen anyway, and the drug was a convenient excuse._ _

__There’s no more paperwork. The look of surprise on Lorne’s face when he comes in to see a spotless desk almost makes John smile. Almost, almost enough to break through the darkness that has settled around John like a cloak._ _

__Of course, the lack of more paperwork only means John has more time to think. Rodney thinks I deserve to die, says his brain when he tries to sleep. Better off without you, says Rodney’s voice in his head when he’s in the gym. You’re worthless, says the insidious little thing in his head that’s dominated his thoughts for years._ _

__He feels trapped, in a way that hasn’t happened before. Yeah, he’s been used and abused, sexually and emotionally, by people he was close to, but the worst of his trauma has always belonged to Afghanistan, watching Holland and Dex and the others die without being able to do a thing to save them. Now? Now he sees Rodney every day, talks to the man, lets him touch him, all the while wanting to die more and more. There’s no way out, not if he won’t let himself commit suicide, and Atlantis is only so big._ _

__As much as Atlantis loves him and takes care of him, he can’t rely on her for everything. She has other people who deserve her love and care far more - Elizabeth, for example._ _

___God, Elizabeth deserves the world,_ he thinks. She deserves a military commander who doesn’t get people killed every day, who isn’t like this, like him, broken. There’s something wrong with him, something deep within him that’s twisted and tainted, where nothing can ever fix it. John’s tried, and tried, and tried, and never succeeded. His father tried to beat it out of him, they tried to fuck it out of him in Afghanistan, and none of them could do it. Why should John have ever thought he was good enough to be there for Elizabeth? He’s not good for anything except being used, and he can’t even do that right. _ _

__If Elizabeth deserves everything good, John deserves everything Rodney did to him and more._ _

__-_ _

__He locks himself in his room after training one night, and decides that this is it. He can’t deal with this any more, can’t go another day feeling visceral terror settled in the pit of his stomach all the time. Cutting isn’t enough, any more, hasn’t been for a while. He’s denied himself the luxury of making a suicide attempt because he can’t hurt Rodney this way, can’t make Rodney face what happened._ _

__His emotions swing wildly back and forth, between I deserved that and I trusted him. Both hurt, and both make him want to die. He deserves to be hurt and used and abused, the way his father had yelled and hit him, the way Clark had fucked him and manipulated him, the way his time as a POW had only driven the point home. At the same time, his experiences here on Atlantis have been nothing but positive, excepting of course the whole Wraith business, making him think that maybe, just maybe, he was deserving of love and happiness, even broken as he was. Teyla, Ronon, Elizabeth, Rodney - all of them had accepted him, taken him as one of theirs._ _

__The past few weeks have taken their toll on his body as well as his mind. He hasn’t really looked at himself in the mirror since the night it happened, avoiding the haunted gaze staring back at him. Now, preparing himself for what will hopefully be the last night of his life, he combs his hair, takes a long, hot shower, and sharpens his knife._ _

__John stares at the faded, pale scars on his forearms, relics of his first suicide attempt. He’d been seventeen, New Year’s Eve of his senior year of high school. He’d slit his wrists, deeper than he’d ever cut before, and let himself bleed out into the carpet as a final fuck-you to his father. Dave had come in a few minutes after he’d passed out, and he’d woken up in the hospital the following morning. When he’d finally come home, his father had beaten him, something he hadn’t done since John had started high school._ _

__Shaking himself free of memories, he places the knife tip against the old scars. _I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough,_ he thinks. _Sorry I’m like this. Worthless, useless. Can’t even let McKay fuck me.__ _

__“Better off without me,” he says out loud, and pushes._ _

__-_ _

__He doesn’t remember anything except floating for a very long time._ _

__-_ _

__Atlantis tells Carson what’s happening the second John passes out._ _

__-_ _

__Lorne is coming back from his Friday night movie with Zelenka when Atlantis’ distress finally reaches him. His gene may be false, but he’s still a carrier, and she can reach out to him. The city has been distant for weeks now, but he thought it was just the normal cycle of things. Now he knows better._ _

__He rushes to the infirmary, tapping his radio to call Dr. Weir._ _

__-_ _

__John wakes to his team, Carson, Elizabeth, and Lorne gathered around him in the infirmary. He offers a grin. “Well. Fancy meeting you here.” His voice is rusty, his throat hurts, and he can’t feel his fingers._ _

__“Sheppard!” Ronon says, sounding scandalized._ _

__“How nice to see you all?” he tries._ _

__“No,” Carson says, before anyone can get a word in. “John, I’m going to send these people away so you can get some rest. Then I’m going to send Kate in to see you, okay?”_ _

__John hesitates a moment, struggling to remember who Kate is, and why he doesn’t really want to see her. “Don’t want to see Kate,” he says._ _

__Carson shoos everyone away, far enough that John can’t see them without craning his neck painfully. “John,” he says, softly and gently, as if talking to a feral animal, “you have to see Kate. She can help you.”_ _

__“No,” John says. “No, she can’t, and neither can you. I just need to suck it up and get through this.”_ _

__“You don’t have to do it alone,” Carson says earnestly. “You’re not only my patient, Colonel Sheppard, you’re my friend as well. Friends take care of friends.”_ _

__“No,” John repeats. “No.”_ _

__“Give it a chance, John. Please?” Carson is deadly serious, eyes wide._ _

__“Don’t want to,” John says, but his resolve, as well as his hold on consciousness and coherency, is fading._ _

__He falls asleep without having to see Rodney, which is all for the best._ _

__-_ _

__John ignores everyone who comes to see him. He can’t tell anyone, not Ronon or Teyla or Elizabeth or Heightmeyer, and certainly not Rodney. Finally, Carson delivers an ultimatum._ _

__“John. You need to talk to someone. I don’t care who, at this point. But I cannot let you out until you tell someone what’s going on.” Carson stands with his hands on his hips, brows drawn down over his intense gaze._ _

__John stares at him. “Lorne,” he says finally. “I’ll talk to Lorne if you let me go back to my quarters first.”_ _

__Carson takes a long moment. “Alright. Give me fifteen minutes.”_ _

__-_ _

__True to his word, Carson lets John go back to his quarters. When he gets there, Lorne is waiting. “Hi sir,” Lorne says quietly. “How’re you?”_ _

__“Ticked,” John says, and he realizes abruptly that it’s the most honest thing he’s said in weeks._ _

__“Dr. Beckett says you wanted to talk to me?” Lorne prompts gently, when John doesn’t go on._ _

__“I had sex with McKay,” John says flatly._ _

__Lorne stares at him. “Sir, um, that’s. That’s not exactly news, if you’ll forgive me saying. Half the base has money on whether you two are doing it or not.”_ _

__John stares at him. “The answer’s no, Major. We’re not doing it. I was still under the influence of Lucius’ drug at the time. I don’t think McKay knew.”_ _

__“What?” Lorne frowns. “He definitely knew. He took you to his quarters so he could do testing. He made you - he made you have sex with him?”_ _

__“No,” John says, “not exactly,” and the whole story comes pouring out. He tells Lorne about how the relationship started, how it was just casual and little emotional involvement. He tells Lorne about his asexuality, about what happened to him in Afghanistan and how it affected him. He tells Lorne about the details, how he’d offered himself to Rodney, what Rodney’d said and done._ _

__“Oh,” says Lorne dumbly. “Sir, that, um, that really blows.”_ _

__John starts laughing. He can’t help it. Lorne’s reaction is infinitely better than he’d been expecting, and he has to sit down to keep steady._ _

__“I, I really needed that, Lorne. Thank you,” he says sincerely._ _

__“Um, no problem, sir,” Lorne says. “Um, do you want to press charges?”_ _

__“What?” John sobers almost instantly._ _

__“Charges. For what McKay did to you.”_ _

__John taps his fingers on his knee. “No. No, I need him on my team.”_ _

__Lorne can’t stop his mouth from opening and closing like a fish. “You what, sir?”_ _

__“Need him on my team,” John says. “What? It’s not like I’m just going to cut contact with him.”_ _

__“But,” Lorne starts, and cuts himself off. “Okay. Okay. But McKay has to know. Dr. Weir has to know. Your team has got to know. They have a right to know.”_ _

__John stares at him for a long moment. “I can’t tell them. Can’t do it again, can’t say it again.”_ _

__“Well I can’t tell them either,” Lorne says. “It’s not my story to tell.”_ _

__“Well I’m not going to send out a base-wide email,” John says, and rubs his eyes. “Will you tell Carson, at least?”_ _

__“Not details,” Lorne replies. “I’ll tell them the gist. But you’ve got to tell them what they need to know, sir.”_ _

__John holds his gaze. “Yeah, okay.”_ _

__-_ _

__It doesn’t go well._ _

__Ronon slams Rodney against the wall with a hand around his throat. It takes John, Teyla, and Elizabeth to talk him down. John feels safer than he has in a long time._ _

__Rodney is in tears by the end. John is tempted to tell him more graphic details of his self-harm, just to see Rodney suffer more. But he doesn’t, because he knows how much this fucking hurts, and he can’t let Rodney sink into himself the way John had._ _

__“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Rodney repeats, over and over._ _

__John lets him cry for a few seconds. “Rodney,” he says. “Rodney. I forgive you. I forgave you a while ago. You just - you just didn’t even understand why what you did was wrong and - and - and -” and _fuck,_ he’s crying too. “You didn’t kn-know how bad it hurt and you didn’t c-care and I thought I d-d-deserved to die bec-cause of what you said.”_ _

__Ronon crushes John’s face into his chest. “I love you,” he says into John’s hair. “I love you.”_ _

__And maybe now John can heal._ _

**Author's Note:**

> part of this was influenced by bomberqueen17's "Two Body Problem" series. go read it if you haven't! it's awesome.


End file.
